Pleasure in sex is all about personal preferences. Despite what the media tells us that we should want or expect, the wide range of possibilities makes the world our little oyster. And if the clitoris were the pearl, there would be a multitude of ways to polish her to a shine. The beauty of it all is that each woman has her own particular preferences for being touched, stroked, rubbed, licked, and pet. Finding her particular desire comes more easily for some than for others. Even some women can be perplexed as to the combination of sensations that will unlock her orgasm. This can be frustrating for her and the cause of considerable anxiety for her partner. Here are some things to think about.

First, just because you have given one woman pleasure, don’t assume that another woman will respond exactly the same way. Each woman is different in her sensitivity, her pace of arousal, and her favorite way to be touched. Whereas some women can prefer quite a bit of friction or even a little slap, many women are extremely sensitive and feel pain when touched that way. Remember that a woman has upwards of 8,000 nerve endings just in the glans of her clitoris – that’s double what a guy has his in his penis! This may be a clue that she does not need nearly as heavy a hand that a man might use on himself. This is the same reason that many women don’t like to have their clitoris touched directly.

Next, how a guy masturbates could give you some clues as to what might work with a woman. Think about it. Would a guy take his erection in one hand and just rub the top of his penis with the palm of his other hand in a hard, circular motion? Not likely. Most guys prefer some stimulation of the shaft up, down, and circular and approaching the frenulum just underneath the glans. Well, you will find that many women also prefer to have the shaft of the clitoris stimulated – usually through the skin of the hood that surrounds it. Whether or not a woman prefers lubrication or not will also probably determine how much pressure she needs. Since lubrication tends to decrease the friction, she may not need as much pressure without lube.

The pace is important too. If a woman is getting aroused very quickly, she can probably tolerate a quicker escalation of activity. But usually, it is uncomfortable for a woman to start off too rough. A woman can actually get to the point of feeling overwhelmed so that her clitoris and vulva feel numb and she is unable to reach orgasm. Starting off with a lighter touch until she tells you to go a little harder or a little faster can allow her arousal to continue to build without short-circuiting. This applies to manual stimulation as well as oral sex. When in doubt, ask her.

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