We all know that sex education continues to be unreliable, lacking, or even unavailable for many people growing up. Sex education should start off with the basics of anatomy and function and an understanding of reproduction.  But it should also include an of understanding pleasure and how it relates to your anatomy.  The reasons for this are much more basic than you might think.

I want you to touch my “you know what.”

Without knowing the correct names for each body part, a person cannot communicate directly about their wants and needs. Let’s say that a woman is unaware of the word for vulva. Instead she uses vague terms or slang words that could be misinterpreted. Vague communication leads to vague results, which is just as true in sex as it is in any other area of life. If you can’t communicate about something specifically with your partner, you may not get what you’re asking for. Instead it’s left up to chance whether or not they will figure out exactly what you’re thinking.  Knowing your anatomy is basic for good communication in sex.

I have no idea what I want.

Our brains are able to focus best on pleasure when it understands where it is coming from and the stimulation it’s receiving.  Without having a name for a particular body part (or even knowing it exists), it’s difficult for the brain to conceptualize it and focus on it. Let’s take the beautiful clitoris for example. If a woman is unaware of the existence of her clitoris, she is less able to think about ways she might like to get pleasure from it. She may or may not be aware that there is a place on her vulva that may feel good with some forms of touch, but that with other forms of touch she may feel uncomfortable pain or overwhelming intensity.

It’s best if she understands the clitoris as a separate structure so that she can more easily figure out how to get direct stimulation for her pleasure. Without understanding that the clitoris is independent of the other things around it, she may generalize the sensations to her entire vulva and therefore decrease the intensity of it.  If she has an uncomfortable experience, she may start to avoid receiving stimulation over her vulva and clitoris in general. This reduces her chances of actually having more pleasurable experiences. I’ve seen this very problem with many women who don’t understand why they don’t enjoy oral sex, or have difficulty “getting it to work” with their partners.

Teaching people the correct names for their body parts is pretty important.

Using slang for body parts is right up there with not having a term for them at all. When it comes to sexual anatomy, it seems many people either don’t know the right words, or they were taught a childish term rather than the actual term. An example might be “cookie” for vulva, or “wee-wee” for penis.  This introduces an element of shame for the actual anatomical term which may cause a person to feel embarrassed when using the correct term. I always encourage parents to use the correct names for body parts and teach their children to use them as well.  This helps provide a framework for understanding their own bodies, helps with  communicating with partners and health care professionals, and also helps to eliminate shame and anxiety – which are the killers of sexual arousal and self-esteem.

Dr. Castellanos is a psychiatrist specializing in sex therapy for over 25 years, including treatment with bio-identical hormones, and functional medicine consultations. You can follow her on Instagram at thesexmd, Facebook at The Sex MD, and X at @DrCastellanos.