Today I got into a very lively conversation on the topic of orgasm and masturbation. A friend of mine stated that she has never, and will never, masturbate. Instead, she wants her sexual satisfaction to come from a partner (in her case, a man). Trouble is, she doesn’t have a partner, hasn’t had one for some time, and isn’t actively looking. So in the meantime, no orgasms for her.
Although she seemed to want to talk about sexual topics was in the pre-contemplation stage of checking out internet dating sites, she quickly dismissed any talk of masturbation. I went through my usual list of the benefits of orgasm: it increases your blood flow to your genitals, it feels good, it promotes relaxation, it feels good, it can be done without dependence on a partner or worries about catching a disease, it feels good, you can’t get pregnant, it feels good. Still, she wouldn’t hear of it.
Despite her objection to masturbation, I am a true believer and proponent of masturbation. I believe that it is natural and an excellent way to get to know yourself. How else will you know where to ask your partner to give extra-special attention to? Remember, everyone is different. What someone else learned with a different partner may not necessarily apply to you. You may need to give some directions. And if you’ve never figured out what you like and what gets you off, you could be waiting awhile for your partner to figure it out! Not that I’m against experimenting with a partner, but knowing yourself could cut down on the frustration. Plus, touching yourself helps you feel sexy as you realize that you can have such pleasure and enjoyment from different kinds of touch. And it’s empowering to realize that you can do it by yourself!
This conversation with her reminded me that there are still so many myths and anxieties about masturbation, particularly for women. Here are some of the most common myths and the truth about masturbation:
Myth: It’s a sin/dirty
Truth: Masturbation is a natural activity that can be found occurring as early as infancy. In fact, the clitoris only has one purpose, to feel good. It does not play any part in reproduction, except maybe increasing your desire to grind against your partner. I refuse to believe that it was meant to be ignored. And since such a large percentage of women can’t come without touching this little button, I think it was meant to be touched.
Myth: You’ll get hooked and you won’t be able to come without it
Truth: Masturbation helps you learn about yourself and what physically turns you on. Some women can only come if they learn how to masturbate. You may find that you always have a preference for a certain angle, or a certain speed, or a certain amount of pressure, but it does not limit you to that activity alone. Once you start having orgasms with masturbation, you will discover the incredible variation and possibilities there are for women in having orgasms. You will learn that orgasms can vary from day to day, with your cycle, with your mood, with the stimulation, etc. And you can also learn that you can have orgasms on the inside, orgasms on the outside, or a combination of both. It’s not altogether unpleasant either to give yourself multiple orgasms, you know!
Myth: It takes away from our sexual relationship with our partner.
Truth: For all the reason already listed above, masturbation serves to enhance our sexual relationship with our partner. It not only keeps our genitals healthy, but it encourages us to exercise our sexual fantasies as well – essential for mind-blowing sex. Women have the advantage of being able to have multiple orgasms, and some even find that subsequent orgasms are more intense than the first. And just in case you feel you’re not getting enough foreplay, masturbating just before intercourse (perhaps with your partner watching as part of the foreplay!) gets you wet quick like a bunny.
So for all you Seinfeld fans, I propose that we redefine ‘Master of Your Domain’ as a person who actively masturbates – taking matters into their own hands. No more anxiety or shame! Just good, clean fun.
I would like to confer that I am definitely "Mistress of my own (very sweet) Domain"–as you've redefined it. Just saw the "Vibrator Play" on Broadway and was truly excited to see and hear the delights of the players and audience as orgasms were "de-mystified" for all–even in turn-of-the-Century NYC! Masturbation is a sex life necessity (also great for a good night's sleep). Enjoy!
I have learned so much through masturbation about myself – and each time it's a little different. I agree!
I have always been a believer of knowing 'thyself'. If you cannot be comfortable with yourself, know and love yourself, how can you do it for/with others?