How do you communicate to your partner that you want to have sex or are open to having sex? This may seem like an obvious question to some, but really think about it for a moment. How does your partner know when you are ready to have sex? Many times couples find that they are not sure what their partner is thinking, what they are in the mood for, and they don’t really know how to ask.
This often becomes an issue after a couple has been together for awhile and their relationship is strong and healthy. As your partner becomes more and more important to you, and as you depend more on their happiness for your own, you may find yourself taking a back seat to their needs. This is to be expected, especially in situations in which you do not want to add to their stress or demands. The result for many may be that they take a “wait and see” approach to initiating sex. This means that they try to take their cues from their partners before making their desire known. But what if your partner is doing the same thing? You may never ask each other for sex, and the tension of how to communicate this grows heavier.
One exercise that a couple can do is to ask each other, “How can I tell if you are in the mood? How will you let me know?” This opens the door of communication so that you are not attempting to guess what your partner is trying to tell you. It also puts each person at ease to more freely communicate when they are thinking about or desiring sex.
Another wonderful exercise that couples can do is to ask each other “Under what circumstances do you let yourself get turned on?” At first, this may seem like an odd question because most people think that getting turned on depends on someone else doing something to you. But the reality is that our mind controls our level of sexual arousal by either being open to what’s happening around us and our own erotic thoughts, or by keeping us shut off from potentially exciting events, thoughts, or stimulation.
One complaint that I have heard often is that people’s expectation is that sex should happen spontaneously – the feeling just comes over you, and magically it works out, like in a romantic movie. But such expectations are unrealistic and do not take into account the reality of busy schedules and stressful lives. A good sex life takes work, planning, and a little risk taking. So if you find yourself in that uncomfortable position of playing Chip and Dale (the Disney version! – “What do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do?”) try having a few conversations about sex. The results might surprise you!
Communication is key. Ruf and I have started setting aside a day here and there just to have sex. It seems to work very well 🙂
I wish it were as simple as raising our hands with an excited 'I wanna! I wanna!' – like when we were kids. Today, I find that many women interpret their partner's hesitation as a lack of interest, when actually he was just waiting for a sign that she has an interest – because it is just too darn scary to set yourself up for rejection. Maybe we should try 'I wanna!' – sure could dispel the confusion.
@Pam I think everyone wishes it were simple, and many people believe that other people don't have this problem. But developing an open communication with your partner is necessary to be able to continue letting them know what you want and what you need – because this can change from day to day, year to year, or decade to decade.
Question:
Wet dreams are obviously a normal and natural occurrence for men, but I’m feeling a little rejected as of late. My partner occasionally will be sexually aroused and has woken me for sex or if I’m awake places my hand suggestive location. This is all fine, what bothers me is the random and abrupt 360• that result in him pushing me off very quickly almost the instant the kissing, touching etc progresses to the actual act.
Best I can describe his change of heart and reaction is half drowsy and obviously arousal he instigated sex or oral and then it’s like a light switches on and there’s a look he gets like “oh! You…” And then he rolls over or moves his penis away from my hand/mouth/vagina.
It makes me feel like his not sexually attracted to me and when he comes to from his sleepy state and notices me not whom or whatever he is dreaming about he is not interested and backs off.
If his arousal enough to actively wake me and begin the foreplay process how can he in a split second no longer be interested or what is it that would make him change his mind?
It’s making me self concious about his attraction to me and also making me think along the lines of infedelity… It’s very emotionally draining to say the least!!!
Please any insight or hypothesis would help!
Danielle – sorry, but it’s not clear what you are talking about. Do you mean that he initiates with you when he is asleep, but then when you respond, he wakes up and pushes you away? Or is it that you are initiating when he is asleep and then pushes you away when he wakes up? If he is starting it in his sleep, he may have sexomnia, which you can read about in this post. If that’s the case, they he isn’t technically initiating because he is not aware of what he is doing. It’s like sleepwalking.