Maybe it’s the way that religion and society shape our ideas about sex?  Maybe it’s our discomfort with acknowledging the intersection of sex and aggression?  Maybe it’s our desire to keep an idealized and romanticized view of sex?  But the truth is that most couples don’t really f_%#.  If, however, you are going to enjoy the entirety of your sexuality, your sexual connection, and your sexual capacity with your partner, especially in a long-term relationship or marriage, you should include f_%#ing in your sex life.

When I refer to f_%#ing, I mean the more carnal, animal aspect of sex.  It is where the eroticism is high and the game of power is played out – sometimes with playfulness, sometimes with control and surrender.  But it is what keeps a couple’s sex life exciting and interesting.  Obviously, making love and feeling cared for by your partner contributes to feeling secure and loved, but f_%#ing is full of energy and feels wonderful.  It brings an intensity to your sex life that is less about the orgasm and more about the all-around physicality of sex.  It uses our natural sense of competitiveness and power to create an intense, pleasurable experience that is just as psychologically stimulating as it is physical.

Most couples don’t f_%#, and even if you started out f_%#ing your partner in the beginning of your relationship, it tends to happen less and less as the relationship progresses.  Even though it would seem that a person would be more comfortable expressing all aspects of their sexuality as the relationship strengthened, the opposite seems to be true for most.  Paradoxically, as a relationship grows stronger, so does the emotional dependence on that person.  If you worry in any way that being more carnal with your partner will be interpreted as less loving or more selfish, you may not choose to go that route so as not to upset the sensibilities of your partner.  Small anxieties turn into regular patterns that exclude the possibility of f_%#ing or being ravaged.

Even though making love and slow lovemaking is also essential to connecting with your partner and strengthening your bond, it does not replace f_%#ing by any means.  Without f_%#ing, couples often feel that their sex lives have become boring or lack excitement.  Because f_%#ing has a very different role in a couple’s sex life, it should not be considered better or worse than making love – it’s just different.  Couples that feel both secure in their relationship as well as comfortable with the very physical aspect of their sexuality can keep their identity as a couple while they f_%# each other for fun, power, and pleasure.  It can be seen as the spice to the meat and potatoes of your sex life.  So if you say that you and your partner make love, I ask “Yes, but can you f_%#?”

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