Maybe it’s the way that religion and society shape our ideas about sex? Maybe it’s our discomfort with acknowledging the intersection of sex and aggression? Maybe it’s our desire to keep an idealized and romanticized view of sex? But the truth is that most couples don’t really f_%#. If, however, you are going to enjoy the entirety of your sexuality, your sexual connection, and your sexual capacity with your partner, especially in a long-term relationship or marriage, you should include f_%#ing in your sex life.
When I refer to f_%#ing, I mean the more carnal, animal aspect of sex. It is where the eroticism is high and the game of power is played out – sometimes with playfulness, sometimes with control and surrender. But it is what keeps a couple’s sex life exciting and interesting. Obviously, making love and feeling cared for by your partner contributes to feeling secure and loved, but f_%#ing is full of energy and feels wonderful. It brings an intensity to your sex life that is less about the orgasm and more about the all-around physicality of sex. It uses our natural sense of competitiveness and power to create an intense, pleasurable experience that is just as psychologically stimulating as it is physical.
Most couples don’t f_%#, and even if you started out f_%#ing your partner in the beginning of your relationship, it tends to happen less and less as the relationship progresses. Even though it would seem that a person would be more comfortable expressing all aspects of their sexuality as the relationship strengthened, the opposite seems to be true for most. Paradoxically, as a relationship grows stronger, so does the emotional dependence on that person. If you worry in any way that being more carnal with your partner will be interpreted as less loving or more selfish, you may not choose to go that route so as not to upset the sensibilities of your partner. Small anxieties turn into regular patterns that exclude the possibility of f_%#ing or being ravaged.
Even though making love and slow lovemaking is also essential to connecting with your partner and strengthening your bond, it does not replace f_%#ing by any means. Without f_%#ing, couples often feel that their sex lives have become boring or lack excitement. Because f_%#ing has a very different role in a couple’s sex life, it should not be considered better or worse than making love – it’s just different. Couples that feel both secure in their relationship as well as comfortable with the very physical aspect of their sexuality can keep their identity as a couple while they f_%# each other for fun, power, and pleasure. It can be seen as the spice to the meat and potatoes of your sex life. So if you say that you and your partner make love, I ask “Yes, but can you f_%#?”
Helluva topic!!! I agree with what was written. It is my opinion that men compromise more as to not offend or scare their lover.
So I ask, how do we men ease our partner into a f#%k session and not offend? And at the same time hope to not to be thought as a pervert? Lol !!!
@Taylor Thanks for the great comment! So True! That’s where communication about sex both inside and outside of the bedroom comes in. It’s always helpful to be able to discuss your sex life and your desires as well as communicate to your partner that what she feels and fantasizes about is good. You might start off by talking to your partner not only how much you care about her, but also how much she excites you. That could lead into a discussion about the combination of the emotional side of sex as well as the animal/physical side. Then you could ask her if she ever gets lost in the physicality of sex.
Talks like these not only help you learn about your partner, but gets them to think about sex in different ways and gets them to learn more about their own sexuality. Through this kind of communication, you become more at ease with the different sides of a person’s sexuality and realize that a person is not always hungry for the same meal each time. You may even find that your partner might surprise you. Many times, women hold back fantasies and desires related to f_%#ing because they are afraid to be seen as slutty. Unfortunately, society’s message about sex roles and what is appropriate affects both men and women, not always in a positive way.
I just came to learn of your website from a comment that you made at mysexprofessor. I found this to be disturbingly true. “though it would seem that a person would be more comfortable expressing all aspects of their sexuality as the relationship strengthened, the opposite seems to be true for most.”
It seems that these days, women both young and old, criticize pretty much everything they find related to men as well as femininity and sexuality in media. They want respect only. Men who read feminist blogs, pretty much get to read postings where women don’t like it when we look at their breasts. Women don’t like it when we look at their butts. If we don’t look ONLY into their eyes when we talk to them, we are scum. Women criticize and pick apart anything and everything that they find in Cosmo magazine articles, advertizements for fashion magazines, etc. We men get to hear on TV shows, blogs and conversations between women how stupid men are, how lazy men are, etc. etc. etc. The bookstores have books like ‘Porn for Women’ where they have photos of guys cleaning the house and preparing dinner. There are daily calenders with 50’s style artwork of women making wise ass cracks about men.
Reading blogs like Jezebel, (which seem to be solely designed to criticize everything related to sex), is enough to make a guy go limp and retreat to his man cave. Also, it seems like women would much rather huddle together at blog sites and communicate about sex together than communicate about sex with their men.
I do understand that some of this comes from all of the bad news that we hear in the U.S. and around the world about abuses against women by men. All of this bad news has made women trigger happy and super critical.
This, in turn, causes men with girlfriends and wives, to think “Whoa!! Being that I am a man, I better walk a tight rope and be super nice and respectful, lest I receive her wrath.” This is especially true if the woman has already expressed in criticisms that we think about, talk about or want sex too much. So, we just back off and the sex dwindles in frequency and intensity. Eventually, the woman wonders, “Gee. I wonder why he hasn’t come to me for sex for a week or two.” Well, the man is still having orgasms, but probably to porn chics, strippers or in an affair.
Sometimes I DO run into a woman who says or writes of her desire for crazy, wild sex and it does my heart good. It gives me hope. I read this one blog posting where a young woman wrote that she told her boyfriend that she wanted to be roughed up and slapped around a bit. He replied that he respected her too much to do such a thing. (Again with the respect thing.) She wrote, “Yeah, it is great and all that he respects me, but I really want him to beat me up a bit during sex.” She was concerned that if she had to force him into being rough with her, it wouldn’t mean anything because it would be insincere.
Overall, I would say that if men have stopped f*&king their women, it may be that modern women have pretty much talked and written their way out of a sex life.
@David D Great that you found your way over here. I try to post about topics that will help couples and individuals increase the quality of their sex lives and find solutions, not just complain about the difficulties.
Obviously, the issue of making love vs f_%#ing is a huge topic. Remember that there is a lot of social “programming” that takes place very young where girls are told “If he loves you, he will wait for you. It’s more important if he cares about you as a person than if he just wants you for your body.” These messages have merit in that they help adolescents value relationships, and seek out genuine partners that have their best interests in mind. However, when these messages are carried to the extreme (such as even after a person has been in a loving, long term relationship) and they are combined with the growing insecurities of getting older (“my body is not what it used to be”, “he probably thinks my stretch marks are ugly”, “I can’t compare to the women that he sees in movies or in magazines”), the stage is set for anxiety that is alleviated by a focus on love and respect rather than a focus on the physical. In this case, women may block their own eroticism in favor of external validation of being loved and respected. Trouble is, couples need both. When couples get into this bind, they can move forward if they work on their own personal development of differentiation. This means that they become stronger and more secure individuals, which ends up translating into more secure and relaxed partners who have an increased capacity for emotional intimacy. In this way, they feel more comfortable exploring all aspects of their sexuality.
All that being said, women are more about the whole picture than the momentary. I don’t think that images of guys doing housework are particularly erotic or sexually arousing, but there was a study which reported that men who help their partners with housework get laid more often than those who don’t. This could be based on the time and energy saved by dividing the work, or also that a woman feels like they are in it together which may make her feel more giving.
As you mentioned, you have seen the opposite situation, where a man feels uncomfortable expressing his sexuality with a woman because he learned that it was not proper or respectful. There is no absolute right or wrong, and no uniform comfort level that will ever exist. That is why communication with your partner is so beneficial. Talking about sex and sexuality periodically with one’s partner gives them an opportunity to examine all kinds of thoughts, desires, questions, and issues. Ideally, it should be done during a neutral time, not during the act itself. This takes some of the pressure off and it doesn’t directly interfere with the moment.
But rest assured, there are modern women out there that are interested in having an exciting and vibrant sex life. For them and everyone else wanting a satisfying sex life, I hope that they are reading this blog.
First came across F*cking in this context when reading A Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. I really hope you’ll be publishing some follow up advice to help couples in achieveing the levels of differentiation and self validation which can assist with the intimacy and exploration needed to sustain the lust and keep sex on fire in committed relationships?
Great site and great article 🙂
Look doctor, with all due respect you are referring to what I perceive our act of mating to be ; womanizing.. Frankly, when I select a partner for the said womanizing, by the time our introductory flirting, body language & precoital dance is complete, we are both well aware that I will the dominant partner & that she rather instinctively, will be the traditional, accepting, submissive woman that she was created to be.. In a nutshell, when focking is approached & executed more the way nature intended than including many unnecessary innuendoes & political correctness, the psychology all settles rightly into place, with both partners emotionally fulfilled..
D A – There are, of course, many individual variations in sexual styles and relationship dynamics that play out in a person’s sex life. In this article, I am trying to highlight the importance of sexual ruthlessness (asking for and going after what you want) in the context of long-term relationships to maintain eroticism and desire. In long-term relationships, it is common for people to defer their wants and desires if they think it will upset or displease their partners, so that the effect over time is that they continue curtailing their behaviors. With this, follows desire. I am encouraging couples in long-term relationships/marriages to maintain their lustful expression as well as their loving expression of sex in order to keep the eroticism alive.