Are You Stroking Her Clit or Your Ego?
What it is about guys that haven’t figured out the way women work? They really want to enjoy sex with their partner and want to feel like they’re giving her a powerfully-pleasurable experience. Trouble is, too many guys are placing a majority of their focus on orgasm with paradoxical results.
Most women cannot reach an orgasm by having penetration, no matter how fabulously delicious their guy’s erection is, or what crazy angle they want to push. Don’t get me wrong – lots of enjoyment going on here – but for 70% or so of women, they are not going to cum this way. They are going to need some type of stroking, pressure, rubbing, etc. over their clitoris to get off.
And of those 30% of women who can eventually enjoy orgasms from just vaginal penetration and stimulation, many of them learn over time the combination of sensations that allow them to orgasm regularly. What this means is that a woman may not have vaginal orgasms at the beginning of their sex lives, but may all of a sudden “discover” them later in life.
In either case, the pressure to reach orgasm introduced into sex by a male partner tends to work in the opposite direction of where he is trying to go. The increased task is a distraction for a women, and the increased anxiety takes away from the high level of arousal that she needs to have in order to reach orgasm in the first place. Too often, men forget that women have a richer experience of sex that can fill their entire bodies with pleasure, which can be very different from a man’s genital focus of pleasure. That whole-body pleasure should be your goal.
Women also don’t usually define the beginning or the end of their sexual experience by an orgasm because they can have multiple orgasms and continue with any sexual activity they choose. Or they can even be completely satisfied with the experience if they don’t have an orgasm. It all depends on the experience. By placing so much emphasis on giving a woman an orgasm, men can mistakenly think that it’s all about mechanics instead of creating a high mental level of arousal. That’s when you’re really making your woman cum, when you get in her head.
So as you are stroking her clitoris with your soft tongue, your wonderfully-padded fingers, or rubbing it against your shin, thigh, pubic bone (you pick) – make sure that you are focusing on giving her pleasure rather than trying to just stroke your own ego. It’s all in her head anyway. She can cum in her sleep just by dreaming. Now that’s an orgasm!
Dr. Castellanos is a psychiatrist specializing in sex therapy for over 25 years, including treatment with bio-identical hormones, and functional medicine consultations. You can follow her on Instagram at thesexmd, Facebook at The Sex MD, and X at @DrCastellanos.
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Maybe I am guilty of this. However, I can say that my wife’s pleasure comes first in my belief. So much so that it really doesn’t matter to me if she pleasures me in return. We haven’t had intercourse in about 3 years. Menopause, ED and the problems it brings. I don’t recall ever having an orgasm thru intercourse only. It is oral that gives her the experience and I gladly love doing it. But I do wonder if I do it for her or for my ego. I will admit it is great knowing that I can give her pleasure and bring her to orgasm but she can also do it herself too if she so desired. She has never done it in my presence ( self pleasure) I guess there is “power” of some sort by giving her an orgasm. Oh well, a very interesting topic. Thanks
Thanks so much for the comment! I think that it is almost impossible to completely separate the pleasure you get from giving her pleasure, from the satisfaction of knowing that you have that ability both to provide that stimulation as well as be that erotic for her. It’s just that I see guys so focused on the orgasm, the orgasm, the orgasm…they forget that usually that’s a guy’s agenda. A woman can really run circles around a guy when it comes to orgasms, and sometimes, it just doesn’t matter. I don’t want to see anyone working with a mental tally sheet, you know? Glad to hear from you.
Fascinating concept for a average man to consider now that the radical social setting in our society has been feminized, along with the great majority of its men.. I on the other hand, always take the high road & refuse to be mainstream, mainly because I can.. I always rely on my instinct when bedding a woman.. For a good reason I know that I will never have to be adroit at cunnilingus ; the coital embrace always & literally fulfills, regardless of how long I select for it to continue.. Due to being blessed with impeccable dimensional capacity, I am always at ease during & after copulation with no need to be concerned of her orgasm.. Many are more than thrilled from the loving act itself & its intimately private closeness.. As we know, all anatomies are different and some females don’t need orgasm for fulfillment.. Fundamentally, I just perform by my manly nature ; some women such as my older sister, achieve enhanced orgasm by the feeling of my semen ejaculating into them.. The point is we’re all different and all is good regarding sexual pleasuring.. The Dr. should have no reason to edit my reply.. Thank you.
Hi Madeleine, I love the title and I agree with the answer. I am sure most of the men know how to please a woman, but there are some who definitely need some education! 🙂