In some people’s vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it’s an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one’s sexual activities coming to it’s logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It’s true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some “marriage manuals” actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.

Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.

If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.

At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn’t be.

Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away – time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner’s body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner’s orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse – not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.