Q: I have difficulty with the message that sex is only about the woman’s pleasure with so much pressure about how to please her and focused on HER orgasm. It makes me feel self-conscious about anything and everything that I do with a woman in bed. I always worry that I am going to be judged or compared to other men. Life is stressful enough today and it’s hard enough just to survive and make a good living (judged for that too). Sometimes, it feels so much like a one-way street that I wonder why I even need to BE there! How do you keep the fun, spontaneity, and romance going in this environment?

Mutual pleasure should be the goal in sex.

For a very long time, there used to be almost no conversation about HER pleasure or orgasm. Quite justly, now there is quite a bit of talk about the benefits of a woman’s sexual pleasure and how to have fabulous orgasms. Actually, when a woman has more pleasure, couples usually find that it increases their overall sexual experience and translates back to more pleasure for HIM as well. The way that women are able to continue to be aroused with no refractory period after orgasm means that they are able to reach orgasm again and again, sometimes within minutes or seconds of each other. Women also have the benefit of having more whole-body orgasms and pleasure from their entire bodies which add to the pleasure of sex.

A sexual relationship should be about mutual satisfaction.

One of the things that I emphasize in my book Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep it Alive is that the continuation of sexual desire depends on pleasure. You don’t want to have sex if you don’t like the sex that you’re having. Women usually need more physical stimulation to relax and really get into it, but this can be difficult for many men to understand because they look at sex through their own filter, which usually includes getting turned on more easily and more directly by both touch and visual stimulation. Because of this, the man who finds out what his woman likes and is then able to provide it to her is rewarded with passionate sex and her continued desire to have sex with him.

Keeping the fun and romance in sex are just as important.

It seems like focusing on HER pleasure would take some of the fun and romance out of sex, especially if it all seems so guided. I encourage you to have pleasure as your focus rather than orgasm. This means getting into her head – how she thinks to get her in her mental erotic space. This is the most important factor in her pleasure overall and her ability to get to that high level of excitement. You will find that after you learn what arouses her both mentally and physically, it will soon become second-nature to you and you will have an entire menu of sexual activities to choose from so that it comes automatically for you. Then, you will see that the romance and fun are just as easy and of course, quite welcome. The hope is that your sexual relationship would be about mutual satisfaction – not one sided in either direction.

Don't Give Up on Your Sexual Self
6 Lessons Not to Learn from "Fifty Shades of Grey"