Our society is very orgasm-focused in that many people use orgasm as their measure of good sex. With men, it is usually assumed that orgasm is the logical conclusion to sex, even though many men are learning how to expand their sexual experience with tantric techniques. In women, however, orgasm can come before, during, and/or after intercourse as part of an entire repertoire of sexual activity. I recently had this question posed to me which shows just how focused on orgasm society has become:

I am 37years old and have never managed to have an orgasm with any partner of mine (not even my ex-husband being together for thirteen years). Men have great sex with me in bed but myself I am left always unsatisfied… I masturbate alone quite often using several vibrators and I reach orgasm immediately from the outside (squirting usually) and more rarely from the inside. What is wrong with me and I cannot have an orgasm with someone else?????? Please give me some hints….

My answer was the following:

Please do not let anyone tell you or let you believe that you are not normal in any way. What you are describing is actually much more common that the media would like us to believe. Most women (70% or so) can only reach orgasm from external stimulation whether it is from their own hand or their partner’s. So you currently fall into this 70%, which is not bad company at all! A much smaller percent of women are able to reach orgasm from intercourse, and usually it is only because they have found a way to stimulate their clitoris in a particular position (like woman on top which allows a woman to “grind” or push her clitoris against her partners body in a repetitive motion that allows her to orgasm).

The other thing to consider is that for a woman to reach orgasm, she usually has to be very “into” her fantasies without distractions. Just being with a partner can bring enough mental and physical distractions to make reaching orgasm a “mission impossible”. Perhaps you could get more pleasure if you start incorporating your masturbation into your foreplay or intercourse so that you can 1) have some orgasms along with your partner, and 2) it becomes part of your sexual repertoire with your partner rather than something you have to do alone, 3) may increase your comfort level and decrease any anxiety or mental distractions related to being in front of your partner which could make reaching orgasm with them easier, and 4) communicates the message that your sexuality is powerful, pleasurable, and naturally beautiful.

No one can say whether you will move from the 70% crowd to the 30% crowd, but I don’t think that focusing on that is really important. I think that goal is artificially set in our minds by society and the media since the time of Freud (who said that only vaginal orgasms in women were to be valued) whereas before that all types of orgasms were welcomed and enjoyed. You are already more orgasmic than many women out there, and you squirt too!!! I hope that you keep enjoying yourself and celebrate your orgasms instead of devaluing them.

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