How Women Orgasm
Women definitely have the advantage over men in the area of sexuality in the sense that they can experience not only multiple orgasms, but can even reach orgasm through different stimulation in different areas. There are women who can reach orgasm having their breasts and nipples stimulated, some from certain areas on their thighs or knees, some from their elbows, their hips and buttocks, and still others from their back, neck, or scalp. As you can see, when it comes to a woman’s orgasm, there can be a very wide range of possibilities.
Most commonly, however, women reach orgasm via stimulation of the clitoris. This means that a woman usually requires stimulation on the vulva (the outside) with specific attention to her clitoris in order to peak to orgasm. How she is stimulated is not so specific and can range anywhere from a tongue during oral sex, to fingers rubbing in heavy petting or masturbation, a vibrator, a stream of water, or even the vibrations of rubbing through her clothing sitting on top of a washing machine. She can pick any of these or change it up.
There are many women who can reach orgasm by clitoral stimulation, but don’t think they are normal because they can’t have an orgasm with penetration. They feel that there is something wrong with them because, unless they can find a position where they can rub their clitoris against their partner’s body, they can’t reach orgasm. And there are plenty of men too, it seems, that want to know what is wrong. Why isn’t there partner having an orgasm when they have intercourse? Is there something wrong with her? Is there something he is doing wrong, or something different he needs to do? The reality is, there is nothing wrong and she is probably perfectly normal.
Only about 30% of women can reach orgasm with intercourse or penetration alone. When these women are reaching orgasm from penetration, it is usually due to rhythmic stimulation of their cervix, found at the top of the vagina. Many women describe this orgasm as happening “on the inside,” as opposed to the orgasm they get from stimulating the clitoris, which they feel more “on the outside.” So that leaves approximately 70% of women that cannot have orgasm with simple intercourse or penetration. These women are the norm, not the other way around. I repeat, only having orgasms from stimulation of the clitoris is normal and is the most common scenario.
It is actually two different pathways that lead to these two different types of orgasms. The most common orgasm, achieved through clitoral stimulation, is mediated through the Pudendal nerve. Interestingly enough, the Pudendal nerve also transmits sensations from the lower third of the vagina where the G-Spot is located, as well as between the clitoris and the opening of the vagina, where the U-Spot is located. The orgasm that occurs from cervical stimulation is mediated through the Hypogastric nerve. Sometimes a woman can have both of these nerve pathways stimulated at the same time during intercourse and she can also experience a “blended” orgasm, which she feels both on the inside and on the outside.
Orgasm should never be a mission and sex should focus most on pleasure and closeness. With that said, it is not unreasonable to suggest that a woman receive plenty of oral or manual stimulation before, during, or after intercourse (her choice) so that she has maximal opportunity to have an orgasm (or two or three).
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I was recently “dumped” by my boyfriend because I was unable to orgasm with him. I’ve never been able to orgasm outside of masturbation. It is really affecting me emotionally. Any advice would be appreciated. I need help…
Steph, I’m very sorry to hear this. In fact, it’s precisely why I wrote this post, so that people would realize that “normal” is actually not being able to orgasm with intercourse alone. The issue is trying to translate being able to orgasm with masturbation to a position that allows for stimulation of your clitoris during penetration. Many women like to be on top for this reason, so they can press their clitoris against their partner and control the action. But even when this is the case, it can be much more difficult for some women to come in the presence of another person. Women need to focus on their fantasy and on their sensations, and they usually need repeated stimulation the same way for a certain period of time to reach orgasm. Sometimes, just the presence of another person, even if it is arousing, can be too distracting for a woman to reach orgasm. If a woman is able to masturbate herself in front of her partner, then they may try incorporating this either before, during, or after intercourse. Instead of works too! The point is to be flexible with different sexual activities and enjoy each other for who you are. Our sexuality is a very individual thing that varies from one person to the next. If he took this too personally or was looking to you to prop up his sense of manhood, then he is missing out.
Dear Madeleine – Both my wife and I are in our mid 40’s and enjoy a good regular sex life.
I understand that all women are different in their ways to be able to have an orgasm.
However, everyone always reads that clitoral orgasms are always the easiest way for a woman to orgasm.
Anyhow, what I find most interesting is that my wife has basically never clitorally orgasmed by use of oral or my fingers (or her fingers). She typically doesn’t really enjoy clitoral stimulation, is just doesn’t do much for her.
HOWEVER, she does and can an orgasm by means of us having intercourse. During intercourse, she and I (even when she is on top) will not stimulate her clitoris. She needs us to lie in missionary position with us having intercourse and sliding our bodies back and forth against one another. However, it seems she is stimulating her U-Spot, not her clitoris. I have tried using a Hitachi magic wand vibrator and it seems, my wife just has a sleeping clitoris. It doesn’t bring her to orgasm. She always prefers intercourse to oral sex. My wife lubricates quite well, and stays wet during intercourse. Even when I ask to perform oral sex on her, I can tell, she prefers me to orally stimulate the opening at the top of her vagina, or just slightly above it. I recently purchased a book from a well known sexologist on Female Ejaculation as I am most curious. My wife is open to us looking into this very detailed book, but in all honestly, I have massaged her g-spot many times before and that doesn’t produce much sensations for her as well. I read tonight about the U-Spot and also how a woman may orgasm from thrusting and touching the cervix. I have come to believe that is how my wife is orgasming. The orgasms she has are single orgasms, the orgasms are real as she immediately gets wetter and her lubrication gets thicker right after an orgasm. Sometimes to make her orgasm, she will lie on her stomach and I will enter her vagina from behind and she places her hands (we are very honest with one another)
She places her hands under her vagina and stimulates the opening or the top of the opening, but not a little higher where you would expect to find the clitoris. Her clitoris does not seems to engorge or swell very much, my wife just prefers intercourse (and great kissing of course) to all other activities, including foreplay.
Dr. Castellanos, I read tonight how more women than we think are actually ejaculating, however, the PSA fluid of most women is actually retrograded back into their bladders. I would love for my wife to ejaculate. She may have a better chance of learning than other women, since her orgasms are more vaginal in nature than clitoral? However, I seriously doubt if we can teach her to ejaculate. I would love to get the sheets wet. Her orgasms lack the pulsating contractions that are common to clitoral orgasms and that’s another clue they are not clitoral orgasms.
I would really appreciate a detailed response to my email.
I feel you are a very bright physician in this area of female sexology and I value your
opinion and experience.
Tom – even though most women have an easier time reaching orgasm with clitoral stimulation, there are exceptions to the rule. Also, there may be many different angles from which to stimulate the clitoris – from the side, from the bottom, from the top, etc. She just happens to get off easier from internal stimulation. It’s interesting that the grass is always greener on the other side. When a woman can only have clitoral orgasms, they want internal orgasms with intercourse. When they only have internal orgasms, they want to have clitoral orgasms.
I think that she sounds perfectly normal – she enjoys herself with you, she lubricates, especially after orgasm, which means that her erectile tissue is becoming engorged when she is aroused. I always encourage couples to focus on the pleasure and the process instead of creating these goals for themselves. Focusing on pleasure makes life and sex enjoyable, while creating and focusing on goals keeps your mind “working” instead of getting lost in the moment. Why do you want your wife to ejaculate? Is it because she wants to, or is it because you think that it will bring greater pleasure. Are you using the goal of having “the sheets wet” as a trophy that symbolizes her pleasure? You seem to be approaching your sexual relationship from a view point of what’s missing instead of what you both have. If you dive deeper into the pleasure that you currently share and that she experiences, and you slow it down and intensify the process, you may find the doorway to higher levels of pleasure that way. Maybe her brain feels more comfortable with internal orgasms and more uncomfortable with clitoral stimulation (on a psychological level, not a physical one). If this is happening, she may not be aware of it consciously or have any control over it. The only way to get passed this is to intensify the connection between you. Instead of focusing on vibrators and G-spots, perhaps you should explore some Tantric methods to heighten the feeling.
Whatever you choose to do, don’t make it a mission. Just enjoy each other.
Hi everyone, I would like to let Tom (3. August 2011 at 3:26 am) know that I have the same precise situation with my present girlfriend (we are in our mid-thirties). She cannot reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation (although she finds it very pleasurable) but only through intercourse. Sometimes she reaches it in no time (expecially when a lot of involuntary abstinence is envolved) and other times we have fun for hours. I was making the same mistake as Madeleine was mentioning but her words (3. August 2011 at 7:30 am) have opened my eyes. I think that changing my attitude towards sex with her is very important as I recognize I was asking for something stupid, a forced orgasm. Thanks.
Im 20 years old, i have been married for 2 years. I have never, and i mean never, had an orgasm from oral sex, fingers, or intercourse. About a year ago I bought a rabbit vibrator [with the little ears for clitoral stimulation] and lo and behold, orgasms. is it normal to only be able to reach an orgasm with one specific type of stimulation? vibrations, specifically
@Crystal Absolutely! There are many women who are never orgasmic until they use a vibrator. And there are some women who like very strong vibrators like the Hitachi Magic Wand. Thank you for sharing. Behold – she comes!!!
Hi! Reading all this makes me curious in a way if I’m normal. I tend not to masturbate due to an inability to really get off on my own. I’ve tried everything from porn to erotica to simple fantasizing to vibrators and just fingers. But when I’m with someone whether it be man or woman I can have multiple orgasms and if I want to, I can squirt. I believe that with many women it’s some thing we really need to want and feel comfortable doing. I know I’ve gone a long time without allowing myself that pleasure or just not being turned on enough even if I do orgasm. With my current partner, he makes me feel safe and loved. So when I tend to take control of the sex he knows that soon I will be pushing him out of me so that I can have my orgasm and ejaculate. Many of my own close friends tell me they would feel embarrassed or feel that they can’t live up to the pressure. I truly believe it depends on one’s state of mind. I think the first time it ever happened to me was one of the very first times I managed to masturbate and enjoy it. While I was very relaxed during, I wasn’t after and was very confused – I thought I was a freak. It doesn’t seem women are educated on the true sexual abilities of their bodies and that’s a shame.
Hi,i m 36years old,i have never reach orgasm during intercourse,i only reach orgasm when my partner penis is touching my clitoris or while kissing he is touching my clitoris with his fingers,is that called clitoral stimulation?and i would like to know if i m normale.i do enjoy intercourse but cnt orgasm with that.
I’ve found the biggest impediment to a woman not reaching orgasm is her lack of candor regarding how, when, and what gets her off, during sex. Second, is a man not asking those questions. Men don’t want to be subjected to a treasure hunt. Instead, most men find an overt, grown-up description as a sexy and a tension reducer. Few men have any qualms about doing anything a woman requests, while detesting being told, “I don’t know”. If a woman doesn’t ‘actually’ know, then tell your partner you’d like to experiment. Men usually are glad to help, but they want to see the initiative to learn and get on-going feedback. Said plainly, we don’t wanna frickin’ guess.
I can orgasm immediately and many times when I am on top. I recently have orgasmed by tongue with my husband. It is quite intense but I notice I become extremely ticklish. He wants to continue but due to me being very ticklish and feeling overwhelmed, I make him stop. I would really like to experience the “squirt” orgasm with him. Is that ticklish feeling leading to a squirting orgasm?
Roni – do you mean ticklish around your clitoris, over your G-spot, or all over? Many women need several seconds or minutes to recover from orgasm before stimulating again. If you mean a ticklish feeling inside over your G-spot, this could mean that you are in the right spot. Different women feel it differently and is also depends of your level of arousal/engorgement.
Hi I’m 28 and I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years I’ve never been able to have an orgasm when he plays with my clit I can’t take it and have to fight him off to stop as I just can’t take it, is there any thing I can do to relax my self
Reaching orgasm has so much to do with the erotic thoughts you are having and how profoundly involved in those thoughts you are. That being said, touching the clitoris too vigorously or for too long a period of time can be quite uncomfortable. It is not clear if you are saying that the feeling is too intense or if it is uncomfortable (like pain or burning)? Also keep in mind that most women prefer to have their clitoris stimulated indirectly (from the side with the skin covering it) otherwise it is too uncomfortable or intense.